Infotainment

CNN is regularly on the screens at my gym in the evening. At the time I am usually there they have CNN Headline News on with the gem of a show, Nancy Grace.

Tonight's riveting topic: Natalee Halloway. Yes the 18 year old middle class, god fearing, white girl who went away on her senior trip to Aruba and never returned. Day 172.

At first glance I wasnt at all interested but I could not resist after reading the captions on and off for a couple of minutes.

I cannot believe the mother of this girl. She is so convinced that her daughter was the most precious and perfect angel on the face of the earth. Mrs. Halloway was going on and on about how her daughter was a dedicated dancer in HS and how she never drank and that she obviously must have been led astray by the evil Dutch boy, Joran Van Der Sloot. Lets get real mom. Your daughter was 18 years old going away on her first trip alone to Aruba. We've all seen Girls Gone Wild. We all know what white, middle-class, American girls do when they go on vacation with their friend to Rocky Point, Cancun, or Aruba. Perhaps Natalee wasn't just hanging on the beach working on her tan while reading the bible like she told her mom she would be doing. Perhaps Natalee was grinding her newly legal ass into some Dutch boy crotch with a long island iced tea in one hand and a tequila sunrise in the other.

This wasnt nearly the best part though. Nancy Grace cued the producers and on the screen was an interview with the Dutch suspect, Joran Van Der Sloot. The reporter was asking him all kinds of questions about Natalee but the best part was when the "jelly shots" were mentioned. At the mention of jelly shots the reporter quickly asked Joran to explain what jelly shots are. Joran began to explain that Natalee laid down on the bar and put the jelly cocktail on her bare stomach and he slurped it off. Thats fucking investigative journalism right there. Now that everyone knows what jelly shots are we now have far more insight into this mystery.

Again Natalee's mom was shocked to hear that her daughter would be behaving in such activities and insisted that Joran was a fork tongued, pot smoking, Dutch rapscallion. (Cue the photos of Natalee).



Ultimately the message of all this bullshit is: Young white middle class girls are our most precious commodity and must be protected at all costs and any man, that isnt her husband, that is suspected of deflowering our nations future mothers must be publicly humiliated and are guilty until proven innocent; especially foreigners from ultra liberal pot smoking nations and black men.

In other news 500 black women have been reported missing from their homes in various parts of the nation. Police say they were involved with drugs and got involved with the wrong crowd.