Sunday, November 13, 2005

Shoplifting Porn


I used to shoplift gay porn magazines from a bookstore in Scottsdale Fashion Square when I was an adolescent. I had it down to an art and I would only do it when certain conditions were absolutely perfect.

First I had to have been clothes shopping before I went to the bookstore and with my purchase I would have to receive a large shopping bag. I would politely excuse myself from my mother's company or in the case that I was with my friends I'd just tell them that I was going to the bookstore real quick while they remained captivated by the array of bawdy products at Spencer Gifts. Once at the bookstore I would peruse the magazine rack. I would choose a larger magazine like Cigar Aficionado and pretend to be browsing through it then place it down over the top copy of Men as if it were an accidental misplacement. The result was that the smaller porn magazine was inside the other larger magazine. Then when all the other patrons had left the magazine section I would pick up the copy of Cigar Aficionado again and sit with it on a bench close to the magazine rack with my shopping bag between my knees. While hunched over the bag I would open the larger magazine and discreetly allow the smaller erotic one to slip into my shopping bag. It was then just a matter of covering the deposited magazine with the clothing item and I was out the door.

It worked every time except the time that I chose to try and take a muscle mag from the grocery store while shopping with my mom. I got caught by some high school dropout loss prevention nerd and had to explain to my mother why I was stealing. "I wanted to read about working out," said the horny thirteen year old gay boy. After this experience I swore only to steal from the place where I knew I could, the bookstore in the mall.

The ride home from the mall in my parents car, or the car of the parent of a friend, was unbearable and exciting. Heat would emanate from all over my body from the excitement of having stolen something and also from the anticipation of staring at my new most treasured possession. One time I was so flush that my mother asked me if I was getting sick. As soon as I got home I would rush straight into my room, pretending to be an efficient and responsible young man, proclaiming to those I passed by, "Got to put my new clothes away."

After a while, usually when I had read and memorized all the erotic stories, I would feel extreme guilt for having stolen the magazine and for even looking at it. In the middle of the night, while my parents were asleep, I would take my stolen erotic treasure and entomb it in layers of bags and place it in the trash can outside. I made certain that the encased magazine was buried deep beneath other trash to be certain no one would take it out and discover it.

I'd return to bed after my elaborate disposal but lay there tossing and turning, unable to sleep. I was haunted by the images in the magazine and distraught that I would never get to see them again. Within minutes, without even thinking, I found myself disarming the alarm on the house so that I could go outside and rescue my treasure from the trash. In retrospect cant help but chuckle thinking of myself in those moments: thirteen years old, driven solely by hormones, picking through the trash for a porn magazine that I had stolen and then thrown away out of guilt and self loathing.

12 Comments:

Blogger GayProf said...

Great story, Adam.

Freud would have a field day with your choice of Cigar Afficionado as you “cloaking” magazine. Sometimes a cigar is really more than just a cigar. ;-)

2:04 PM  
Blogger Kody said...

OMG! Were you rooting through my old journals again?! I used to do the EXACT same thing! Even down to the whole throwing it away! (I sometimes buried them out in the woods behind my house though!)

One time my dad was about .5 seconds away from finding the Playgirl that I'd stuck down my pants at the mall in my hiding place in the van when we got home. I had to pretend to slam my hand in the door to get his attention away long enough for me to hide it again!

Great entry! :-P

2:21 PM  
Blogger Adam said...

Funny Kody this must be some kind of rite of passage for gays. I never liked Playgirl that much though, was always kinda disappointed when I lifted that one.

Never thought of it that way Prof....hmmmm, explains a lot.

3:52 PM  
Blogger jjd said...

hum. I wish I had thought of that when I was a kid. I was consigned to staring at the male "parts" of hustler magazines for kicks.

awesome story though! I'm glad you shared it with us.. I don't know if I would have expected that from you! (like I should know what to expect...)

4:21 PM  
Blogger ~JaSoN~ said...

*gasps*...you tiefed porn????

At least you had porn to lift. The bookstores here in Hooterville didn't even carry Playboy. Not that I wanted Playboy, or anything. I had to wait until gym class....*drools* ;)

5:45 PM  
Blogger Bobby said...

That is too funny. I discovered gay porn on the internet in college. Alas, I had roommates for the first two years. So I elaborately searched out, downloaded and watched the porn, then meticulously erased my browser's cache, history, usenet history, downloaded files so my roommate would never find it. There were several VERY close calls!

5:47 PM  
Blogger Hypoxic said...

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law...." LOL

I guess kids today don't have to worry about that - they can get to see all they want right on the internet. Lucky kids!

7:33 PM  
Blogger Spider said...

I never shoplifed the porn, although I thought about many, many times - butwe had a bookstore in the town I grew up in that had porn on a special shelf in the back of the store - the hours I spent back there - totally underage and the manager always saw me and spoke - I really think he did it as a public service to the kids of the town - we were SO backwards we would have had to stick our heads out of our asses to see where we were going... I still remember in HS, spending an hour or so in there before I went out on my hetrosexual date... I admire the youth of America today that have the courage to come out at a young age...

8:46 PM  
Blogger tornwordo said...

What a great tale. I don't think I ever stole any, but I used to hide them in the giant stack of porn my dad kept. One day, my father approached me with the gay porn magazine he had found in his pile and said "What's this?" I told him that I had had been so nervous trying to by a girlie magazine that I made a mistake.

I can't believe I actually thought he would fall for that.

5:53 AM  
Blogger BRETTCAJUN said...

OH MY GAWD!!! HA HA!!! I stole "Playgirl" ONE TIME in my life. I was sweating bullets. I HAD TO HAVE IT THOUGH!

I found one of those nerdy "Dungeons and Dragons" boxes. I inserted the magazine in that. I made my mother buy me the D&D boxset (with the magazine hidden inside). As the cashier handled it, I was SOOOO nervous that she would open it and discover the magazine hidden inside. I was sweating bullets. Whew!!! I never did that again in my life. I got a co-worker to start buying me porn afterwards from those straight sex mags "Hussy" or something like that. I looked at the men.

12:13 PM  
Blogger Ariel1980 said...

Going with the thought that our predilections are genetic and not a matter of choice, I think I am programmed as you were: in my case, it was always "Exercise for Men Only" or on one occasion "Men Magazine" (from a large place that had a little of everything). The pleasure evinced eclipsed the guilt eventually. Now I order them to my post office box, using my initials.

3:03 PM  
Blogger xolondon said...

I have bookmarked your site on the basis of this post alone. Hilarious! Thanks!

7:16 AM  

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