Thursday, November 10, 2005

Anthropology at The Gym

My observations, and made up names, of some of the people that work out at my gym.

Sad Old Bodybuilder: He's an older gent with massive muscles that are from years and years of hard work at the gym. He's extremely shy and rarely says a word to anyone. His eyes are almost permanently fixed to the ground and he sneaks peeks at men every now then as if shoplifting candy from a pharmacist. Steroids! Does a body good! Sad old bodybuilder is kept under a watchful eye by his exercise companion and life partner...

The Evil Duke La Cont: This character is always at the gym with Sad. He's much taller than his companion and his muscles are no where near as big. Suprisingly though he can lift about the same amount of weight as Sad. In my imagination the Evil Duke keeps Sad locked up in a cage with just enough room to move. He has a feeding tube that nourishes him with a mixture of mush with all the appropriate vitamins, protein, and carbohydrates Sad needs in order to maintain his current appearance. The appearance of this man is quite normal and eerily understated, so understated that it makes me wonder if he leads some kind of depraved double life.

Squished Barbie Doll Face: This guy is massive. He's 25, always has perfectly coiffed blond tipped hair, about 6'0'' ,weighs about 230 and has arms the size of most people's legs. How do I know his age an weight? Well one day he did cardio next to me and as he mounted his PrecorFX and I saw him enter his information. He's what I call a brown bag special. His face looks as if someone manipulated it with a liquifying lens in photoshop, pinching it to a vortex located somewhere between his eyebrows. The result is that he looks like a barbie doll whose head is being squished, thus yielding his moniker. Put a brown bag over his face and we're good to go! Once again: Steroids! Does a body good!

The Trinity: This group consists of Hairdresser, Count Dracula, and Groundhog. They are regular attendees of the gym and can bee seen next to various stacks of weights and machines talking about a range of topics. Legend has it that if you catch them at the right moment they stop talking and actually work out. Hairdresser is tall thin and toned, a face like one might see in a Toulouse Lautrec poster where certain features are embellished for comic effect. He's topped off with greying hair that has been tamed by artificial coloring and hair product to give it a distinguished silvery glow. Count Dracula has remarkably consistent skin tone all over his body and face. If he were to sit into a brown leather sofa he might disappear if it weren't for his hair. The Count most likely sees Hairdresser for his hair care needs. He too has greying hair that has been tamed so it has the affect of looking like strands of pewter hanging from atop his globe, ending just below his ear with a flourish of curl. I dont have much to say about Groundhog except that he looks like a groundhog.

There are more characters but this a good primer for now. What is really interesting to observe is how these characters interact with one another. They pretty much stay in their own microcosms but sometimes Hairdresser and Dracula will speak to the Evil Duke La Cont, and it is inevitable that The Trinity will undress Squished with their collective eyes as soon as he walks in the door. Squished is excellent at pretending to be ignorant of the attention he receives. The most fascinating thing to witness is when Sad Old Bodybuilder steals his looks at Squished. These looks are quick and although Sad has a body that is as impressive as Squished, his gaze is substantiated into a beam of pure envy. Body dysmorphia reigns supreme!


Blogger jjd said...

people watch much? I'm a people watcher too.. always interesting what you can glean about people just from observing them.

10:42 AM  
Blogger CLL Canuck said...


I LOVE your Jane Goodall voice! LOL!


2:15 PM  
Blogger Spider said...

This is why I stay out of the gym... but there is nothing more fun than people watching...

4:31 PM  
Blogger tornwordo said...

Ditto here for the people watching. I used to do that at the gym, but now we have a gym at home that I use.

6:27 AM  

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