How Am I Not Myself?

Where I work reminds me of high school sometimes. There are many
cliques and factions that operate in their own microcosm. It's really
amazing that the templates for cliques that existed in high school are
echoed where I work.

There's the "popular" group. We're all familiar with them, if you're
not then you were or are one of them. They live in a reality where
all they can see is how much better they are from everyone else. They
love exclusion, gossip, and drama. Hive mentality also dominates this
group and therefore can be found in very large numbers. What
distinguishes them the most from everyone else is that on the outside
they all appear as if they are the bestest of friends but if you
listen closely they are constantly talking about how much they dislike
one another.

Then you have the free spirited group. These individuals like to
observe and do their own thing. Occasionally they'll join the popular
group for a social function but by and large they get ignored but the
free spirits could care less. These people are mature, confident, and
not afraid to be alone. Some might think that these people are
standoffish and snobbish but they are misinterpreting the free
spirit's prudent trepidation about who to let into their life.

Finally you have the outsiders. This is a group of people that the
"popular" group cannot stand and that the free spirits tend to enjoy
but can only take in small doses. They can be annoying a lot of the
time but if you look past all of that you can find very dynamic and
interesting people underneath the idiosyncratic behavior. Its
important though to set boundaries when exploring the dynamic
personalities of these people as they can become clingy and possessive
of your attention. It is here though that you will find people that
will leave the most lasting imprints on your memory.

There are more groups but these are the three main ones that I always
had in my mind and the ones that seem to be prevalent at my work.
Which group do I fit into? I don't know. I usually like to cop out
and say that I don't belong to any one of them and that depending on
my mood I can be in any of them or none of them. I will admit that
during my middle school and early high school days I had the desire to
be in the popular group. I soon came to know what I know about that
group now and adopted the philosophy that I should actually like the
people that I call my friends.

Recently, at work, the temptation to be part of the "in" crowd
resurfaced. It influenced me to cast negative judgement on people
that I had thought well of previously. Every now and then we all get
tempted to be people that we are not and acquiesce to the
sensibilities of others for the sake of being part of a group and to
avoid being "out." I learned a long time ago that deception, of
others and of the self, has an inflated perceived pay out. Therefore
every once and I while I have to step back and ask, "How am I not
myself?"